Mercury

2019 Eclipse Portal

beckshanksastrogeekpresentsofmind

i've learned my inner child (i relate to my Mars in Leo as my inner child) is conditioned to create DRAMA instead of art. and i'm being shown what happens to me when i don't "feel at home." ...home is where the heart is... it's the 4th House of the zodiac; home and feeling are both expressions of Cancer energy.

i have Jupiter, the jovial giant, and planet of abundance in Cancer: Jupiter expands all he touches, and intuitive, nurturing, mothering Cancer senses on a deeeeeply subconscious level... feels like i'm being shown another glimpse into where/how my intuition functions; why/how i see beneath the surface. i'm also tuning into my codependent tendencies (Cancerian), and verrrry clearly sensing my Self circa 2000-2001 --- eclipses work in 19-year cycles. 

in 2001..... deep breath..... my first love with was horribly addicted to drugs. i had my own rather slippery relationship with powdery substances, zero self esteem, and little capacity to understand why the man i "loved" consistently chose drugs over me. in hindsight, i see myself consistently choosing to sit in a cesspool of self loathing and abandonment. 

i experienced a full-on rejection of self beginning around 19 years old.... energetically, i was completely disassociated from my body (hello #HYPNOSIS!). physically, i loathed and criticized my body, always wanting it to be something other than what it was. and emotionally, i was numb.

....and my heart breaks for my 19-year self stuck back there <3 i am reclaiming her NOW; it began with establishing boundaries and cutting ties with toxic, highly triggering, and/or imbalanced relationships.

i'm witnessing the nature of my emotional landscape crumbling beneath my feet... the shifts are intense and the choices i'm making are difficult; both afford more peace... more space. i'm doing my best not to jump outta my heart and into my head when i feel hard feelings or think painful thoughts, but the intensity of the energy just won't have it.

practice.practice.practice.

men keep letting me know my communication style isn't "kind." ha.... guess what... i'm not necessarily going for KIND. anyone else having this sorta experience?? the one where the other shames you for being direct, short, and perhaps a bit more disconnected than a "woman should be?" ...for being the antithesis of Cancer energy. this is Mercury conjunct Mars in Leo and it's LOUD in my Being. 

my self consciousness is in my face. my lack of self esteem and how i give away my power is literally becoming painfully obvious. my anger, frustration, and intensity are alllll on hi..... and there's still more i could blah blah about...

this eclipse portal is shredding my human. i'm allowing it... if nothing else, the trick is to surrender to the flow <3

#buckleupbaby #goinforaride #planetaryalchemy #eclipseportal #Cancer#Mars #Venuschannel

Defensive Communication

beckyshankspresentsofmindwater

i'm having a REALLY HARD TIME w the current energy. my eyeballs continue to overflow with alllllll of the emotion coming up and out. feeling lots of sadness, grief, loss. senses as if I'm letting go of my former self, the false associations and attachments -- all aligned with last month's Gemini energy.

giving myself permission to see things as they are instead of as I Am. holding deep space as the taste is smacked outta my mouth over and over again -- I've worn rose-tinted glasses as a defense mechanism (Venus conjuncts Neptune in my chart, and they square my Pisc Moon) and am being guided to get downright ferocious about where I've been "defensive" in the past.

certain defenses are there to protect, honor and empower.... others lend to subconscious manipulations and a false sense of security. I gather this is the impact of Mars conjunct Mercury in Cancer opposing Pluto/Saturn in Cap: Mars is the wounded, immature masculine; the aspect that hasn't had the capacity, desire, courage to hold space for the rising feminine; Mercury is the messenger, the communicator of the Zodiac, and represents the conscious, thinking mind. Cancer is about empathy, compassion, intuition, boundaries... Pluto destroys to create. Saturn wraps energy in the confines of spacetime; it limits, binds, discerns, and Capricorn represents the structure upon which our identities are built -- that structure is outmoded -- we've called it PATRIARCHY. 

I'm witnessing my desire (Mars) to speak up (Mercury) anytime I feel my boundaries (Saturn) challenged (Pluto)... when I do speak up, I am generally *very direct, my tone indicates the frustration I'm feeling, and I don't really give a shit whether who is receiving likes the way my message feels, appreciates the nature of the message, or even acknowledges 'the why' behind having established the boundary. what's most important is that I am vulnerable (Cancer sun), authentic and aligned when I share my thoughts and feelings. for a strong empath with psychic sensitivities, this is MAJOR. maaaaaaajor <3

and oh, btw, there's an eclipse July 2 at 10 Cancer.....