i've learned my inner child (i relate to my Mars in Leo as my inner child) is conditioned to create DRAMA instead of art. and i'm being shown what happens to me when i don't "feel at home." ...home is where the heart is... it's the 4th House of the zodiac; home and feeling are both expressions of Cancer energy.
i have Jupiter, the jovial giant, and planet of abundance in Cancer: Jupiter expands all he touches, and intuitive, nurturing, mothering Cancer senses on a deeeeeply subconscious level... feels like i'm being shown another glimpse into where/how my intuition functions; why/how i see beneath the surface. i'm also tuning into my codependent tendencies (Cancerian), and verrrry clearly sensing my Self circa 2000-2001 --- eclipses work in 19-year cycles.
in 2001..... deep breath..... my first love with was horribly addicted to drugs. i had my own rather slippery relationship with powdery substances, zero self esteem, and little capacity to understand why the man i "loved" consistently chose drugs over me. in hindsight, i see myself consistently choosing to sit in a cesspool of self loathing and abandonment.
i experienced a full-on rejection of self beginning around 19 years old.... energetically, i was completely disassociated from my body (hello #HYPNOSIS!). physically, i loathed and criticized my body, always wanting it to be something other than what it was. and emotionally, i was numb.
....and my heart breaks for my 19-year self stuck back there <3 i am reclaiming her NOW; it began with establishing boundaries and cutting ties with toxic, highly triggering, and/or imbalanced relationships.
i'm witnessing the nature of my emotional landscape crumbling beneath my feet... the shifts are intense and the choices i'm making are difficult; both afford more peace... more space. i'm doing my best not to jump outta my heart and into my head when i feel hard feelings or think painful thoughts, but the intensity of the energy just won't have it.
men keep letting me know my communication style isn't "kind." ha.... guess what... i'm not necessarily going for KIND. anyone else having this sorta experience?? the one where the other shames you for being direct, short, and perhaps a bit more disconnected than a "woman should be?" ...for being the antithesis of Cancer energy. this is Mercury conjunct Mars in Leo and it's LOUD in my Being.
my self consciousness is in my face. my lack of self esteem and how i give away my power is literally becoming painfully obvious. my anger, frustration, and intensity are alllll on hi..... and there's still more i could blah blah about...
this eclipse portal is shredding my human. i'm allowing it... if nothing else, the trick is to surrender to the flow <3